There are times when adjusting feels easier than asking. Something isn’t quite working. An expectation hasn’t been addressed. We need clarification. Or perhaps we simply need something from another person. But before the conversation ever happens, another one begins in our own head.
We anticipate how they might react.
We assume there will be friction.
We imagine the answer will be no.
And sometimes, without realizing it, we begin reorganizing ourselves around a response that hasn’t actually happened.
Answering for someone else
I’ve spent a lot of my life doing this. Asking directly for what I needed or wanted never came particularly naturally to me. It often felt easier to adjust, work around something, or tell myself I could deal with it.
Then I met someone who approached asking very differently.
She would simply ask. What struck me wasn’t that she always got what she wanted. She didn’t. It was what happened when the answer was no. She accepted it. Nothing seemed damaged. She didn’t become defensive. She didn’t make the other person wrong. She simply allowed them to answer and continued on. Over time, I realized there was something important in that.
She was willing to let the other person answer the question for themselves.
She wasn’t answering it for them in advance.
The workaround before the conversation
I still catch myself doing this. Recently, a neighbor began leaving an outdoor light on overnight. Even with my blinds closed, it was bright enough to affect my sleep. My mind immediately started looking for solutions.
Blackout curtains.
Changing something in the room.
Maybe simply learning to live with it.
Then I realized what I was doing. I was already building a workaround for a conversation I hadn’t even had. So I talked to my neighbor. I explained what was happening. They agreed to turn the light off.
That was it.
The problems that haven’t happened yet
That small interaction made me wonder how often we do this elsewhere.
Instead of asking for clarification, we work with an assumption.
Instead of addressing an expectation, we compensate for it.
Instead of having the conversation, we build another system around the problem.
Sometimes we even become frustrated with someone for a response they never actually gave us. Of course, asking doesn’t guarantee the answer we want. Sometimes the answer really is no. Sometimes there will be disagreement. Sometimes we’ll need to adjust anyway. But there is a difference between respecting someone’s response and deciding what their response will be before they’ve had the opportunity to give it. Especially when we’re carrying a lot ourselves, absorbing one more inconvenience can feel easier than risking a wave.
But those accommodations accumulate. And sometimes the simplest path isn’t another workaround.
It’s a clear conversation.
Lately, when I notice myself beginning to adjust around something instead of having the conversation, I’m trying to remember one question:
Have I actually asked?
Watch the full conversation below.
